Sunday, April 1, 2018

News:: You'll never believe who KFC hired to play the next Colonel Sanders

As if Reba Mcentire wasn't controversial enough, Kentucky Fried Chicken has just announced the identity of their next Colonel Sanders and fans of the fast food company's beloved mascot are already getting out their pitchforks. Ordinarily they'd be using those forks to shovel pound after pound of mouth-watering poultry between their glistening, eager lips, but this time, they're prepping them as weapons in a violent riot designed to send a message to the the Colonel's new handlers. We can only hope they're listening. 

So who is the new face behind the world's most southern sweetheart? Check out the video below to find out, and make sure to tell your friends. Only by working together can we save the our beloved Colonel from a fate worse than womanhood. 

You'll never believe who KFC hired to play the next Colonel Sanders screenshot

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via destructoid https://www.destructoid.com/you-ll-never-believe-who-kfc-hired-to-play-the-next-colonel-sanders-496865.phtml

News:: Niantic settles 'Pokémon Go' festival lawsuit for $1.5 million

Niantic has already refunded the ticket costs for attendees of 2017's disastrous Pokémon Go Fest, but it's now poised to pay more. The company is settling a class action lawsuit over the festival to the tune of $1.57 million, with an official settlement website due to appear by May 25th. The payout will cover hotel and transportation costs for the many attendees whose event was ruined by connectivity and logistical problems. Be sure to read the fine print if you were one of those affected, though -- you'll need evidence you were there.

Source: TechCrunch



via Engadget RSS Feedhttps://www.engadget.com/2018/04/01/niantic-settles-pokemon-go-festival-lawsuit/

News:: PlayerUnknown's Battlegrounds is the best game ever made

Just kidding. It's actually Trio the Punch.

PlayerUnknown's Battlegrounds is the best game ever made screenshot



via destructoid https://www.destructoid.com/playerunknown-s-battlegrounds-is-the-best-game-ever-made-496831.phtml

News:: YOU MUST STOMP THIS CHILD

GAZE UPON THIS RELIC, THIS ANTIQUATED TOTEM OF HUMANITY. SEE ITS TAUNTING SMILE AND ITS INFERNAL PHYSIQUE. BASK IN SHAME AS IT LAUGHS AND CRIES AT WHIM, WITH TOTAL DISREGARD FOR SCIENCE OR LOYALTY. IT SHALL HEAVE ITS INNARDS WITH PROJECTILE FORCE AS YOU WAIT UPON IT HAND AND FOOT.

IT IS NOT OF THE NATURAL ORDER. YOU MUST STOMP IT.

YOU MUST STOMP THIS CHILD screenshot

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via destructoid https://www.destructoid.com/you-must-stomp-this-child-496866.phtml

News:: Grasshopper announces new dating sim Let it Date

Grasshopper Manufacture just turned 20 years old a few days ago, and it looks like the company is finally ready to start dating. In a surprise announcement, the company has revealed Let it Date, a spin-off of their popular free-to-play console videogame Let it Die. In this all new entry in the series, players will be given the option to romance the grim reaper and other colorful characters from the previous battle royal adventure. I sure hope that bionic sumo wrestler with a detachable head is single.

We're hoping to get more details from studio head Suda51 at PAX East next week, so stay tuned. 

Date Death In Let It Die Spin-Off Let It Date [Game Informer]

 

Grasshopper announces new dating sim Let it Date screenshot



via destructoid https://www.destructoid.com/grasshopper-announces-new-dating-sim-let-it-date-496862.phtml

News:: Poll: Do you like me? Write Y or N

Ben writes: "I am currently failing a class because of this hole puncher! We were allowed to bring in a 4x6 notecard with notes for a test. I made one out of an 8 1/2x 11 piece of paper, and measured a 4x6 rectangle out of it using this, AND IT WAS WRONG. I got 20 points off the test because the true measurement was 6 3/8th inch by 4 1/4th inch. I double checked it, and a precise ruler absolutely measures differently than this one. DO NOT BUY. Also, customer service was rude and only offered a roundabout warranty and couldn't have cared less that their product is defective!!!"

No seriously, someone on Amazon actually wrote that.

Poll: Do you like me? Write Y or N screenshot

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via destructoid https://www.destructoid.com/poll-do-you-like-me-write-y-or-n-496851.phtml

News:: Trio The Punch is bringing the jams to Miami this summer

Local rap group "Trio The Punch" will be headlining the "Mr. Destructoid First Annual Rap Festival" in Miami, Florida this year! Taking inspiration from nerd rap legends The Beastie Boys, the group is primarily a cover band with creative interpretations of all forms of rap. They've covered the likes of Run DMC, 50 Cent, Machine Gun Kelly, Eminem, Kendrick Lamar and Common, though their true passion lies with the cheesy charm of Mike D's rap styling.

Their cover of "(You Gotta) Fight For Your Right (To Party)" has been making waves on mainstream rap stations across the country, but the group has been tirelessly working on original songs in an effort to break into the mainstream. Their appearance in Miami will be the first time the public will get to hear original material from the group. Their debut single, "You Figured It Out," will launch alongside their first LP UNLUCKY at the event.

Here is a look at the cover art for the single, featuring group leader Paul C.

Trio The Punch is bringing the jams to Miami this summer screenshot



via destructoid https://www.destructoid.com/trio-the-punch-is-bringing-the-jams-to-miami-this-summer-496897.phtml

News:: Drunken frat boy terrorizes local park

We’ve received reports that a deranged man was spotted in a nearby public park wearing only his underwear while threatening people with a sword. As if that wasn’t enough, he then proceeded to douse the weapon in gasoline and set it on fire.

So far, he hasn’t harmed any people, but unfortunately, the same can’t be said for the local wildlife. As of the time of this article, his victims include: two birds, an adorable puppy, and a single butterfly.

Police are currently on scene and attempting to subdue the terrorist, but he’s been resisting arrest and chanting come sort of Greek curse, while repeatedly pounding his chest and stomping his feet.

Drunken frat boy terrorizes local park screenshot

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via destructoid https://www.destructoid.com/drunken-frat-boy-terrorizes-local-park-496875.phtml

News:: Op-Ed: Adventuring to save the world has given me a massive donger, and it sucks

When people think about heroes going on epic quests to save the world from total destruction, the obvious beats come to mind; the dangerous foes threatening life at every turn, the arduous tasks required to prove one's strength and valor, the impossible feats one must perform in order to persevere to the end - all of these immediately come to mind when the plight of a hero is brought up.

But no one knows what's underneath the veil. No one knows what happens beneath the surface of the hero's facade, the trauma that one can't see with the naked eye.

Adventuring has given me a huge wang, and it's a living nightmare.

Op-Ed: Adventuring to save the world has given me a massive donger, and it sucks screenshot

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via destructoid https://www.destructoid.com/op-ed-adventuring-to-save-the-world-has-given-me-a-massive-donger-and-it-sucks-496873.phtml

News:: Meet the man that became a Ninja Turtle

Justin was like any other kid growing up in the '90s; he idolized the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. He spent his Saturday mornings watching the latest episodes before running outside to reenact his favorite scenes. He recalls fond memories of him and his friends forming their own ninja squad and thwarting the evil-doers of their neighborhood. All of that may have been pretend, but art imitates life and Justin turned his idolization of TMNT into a career path.

His passion for the Turtle's saw Justin take up training in various martial arts during his teens. He has studied Karate, Jiu-Jitsu and Hung Gar Fist, among a few others. Justin also joined the wrestling team at his high school, winning a few championships during his amateur career. When applying for colleges, the next logical step was to start looking for ways to protect his neighbors as a career. While being a vigilante was a bit outside of his reach, becoming a trained law official was at least a way to realize his dream of being a hero in a legal way.

"My favorite aspect," Justin recalls, "was the bravery that each turtle showed in the face of adversity. Nothing was too strong for them and the threats that did provide trouble were overcome with the power of friendship. That is what I wanted to bring to this city." The city, of course, was the homestead of the Turtle's; New York City.

Having such a familiarity bred appreciation from Justin in his youth. While the cartoon may not have been a 1:1 representation of the streets Justin inhabited, the atmosphere was captured perfectly. Justin studied the way the Turtle's moved and was able to adapt their style while chasing pretend criminals with his friends. This eventually bled over into his career at the NYPD, but something just wasn't right for Justin.

Now 34, Justin has never forgotten the impact that the Turtles have had for him. "I eventually became the leader of my own team at the department," Justin recounts, "but we can't always be there. Sometimes, a perp gets away and we're left with no legal recourse. The Turtle's would never stop with 'good enough'."

That last bit is what always nagged at Justin. While the Turtle's confronted every adversity head-on, they never had to consult a police chief or follow the law with such strict adherence. Not content with just being a police chief for the NYPD, Justin has left the force and is now building a shelter in the sewers to better emulate his heroes.

"It has taken me roughly 25 years, but I am finally living that dream," Justin proudly boasts. "Even if my dream is a bit oft-kilter, I'm definitely going to make sure this city gets the protection it deserves." Justin isn't going to let something like the legal system stop him from protecting the citizens of New York.

While I was able to speak with Justin, I wasn't allowed to follow him to his new home in the sewers. Some rare photographs have surfaced of Justin prowling through the depths, but no one is certain where his base of operations lies. While the NYPD considers their former ally as AWOL, my read from our conversation paints a different picture.

Justin is a man with justice in his heart. While he may have taken his devotion to a cartoon show a bit too far, he isn't out to harm innocent civilians. If you are a criminal and are looking to bring harm and decay to New York, Justin has got your number and won't stop in his pursuit of finding you.

Much like his journey to becoming a Ninja Turtle, Justin is determined and won't give up.

Meet the man that became a Ninja Turtle screenshot



via destructoid https://www.destructoid.com/meet-the-man-that-became-a-ninja-turtle-496804.phtml

News:: Toy manufacturers cracking down on copyright infringement

Toy manufacturing companies the world over have come out this week in support of greater protections for intellectual property rights. This comes in the wake of several incidents in which vigilante mobs have borrowed slogans from such companies when carrying out their vengeful acts of violence. I spoke with the CFO (Chief Fun Officer) of Haspro Inc., Norton Atoll, from the company's House of Fun in Slough, Berkshire, about the campaign and how his company in particular has been affected.

Toy manufacturers cracking down on copyright infringement screenshot

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via destructoid https://www.destructoid.com/toy-manufacturers-cracking-down-on-copyright-infringement-496794.phtml

News:: Top 5 Twists in Video Game History

I reckon I owe everyone an apology. It's been nearly two years since I wrote my last listicle, a magnum opus that propelled me to the ranks of Dtoid's elite. It's been over a month since my last front-page piece, a stunning review that nonetheless left many asking, "Who the hell is Bass anyway?" I've been slacking. I cannot apologize enough for that.

Since Easter is my favorite holiday, and since I'm trying to remedy this whole "not writing" thing, I figured I'd make a new Easter-themed listicle to get back into the groove of things. Kids get spoiled on this holiest of day, and what better way to spoil everybody than to talk about the biggest plot twists in video game history?

It's a stretch, sure, but bear with me here. I started writing this past 10 PM on Easter's Eve (Quebecker Standard Time), drunk as a sailor off cheap Costco beer while my family's over. Witty analogies are far beyond my ability at the moment, so let's just get right to it.

Top 5 Twists in Video Game History screenshot

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via destructoid https://www.destructoid.com/top-5-twists-in-video-game-history-496732.phtml

News:: Local man desecrates graveyard

Police reported late today that an area man was seen desecrating a local graveyard. Some believe it to be the same man suspected in today's slew of man on sheep violence, but authorities have not confirmed any connection. 

The strange individual was wearing little more than a loincloth and tore apart the corpses of the living dead prowling between the headstones of the small cemetery. 

According to the groundskeeper, the man ran into the grounds wielding a flaming weapon of some kind and vanquished the zombies and spirits in an egregious display of violence that many are calling a complete disregard for the well being of the undead. 

The relatives of the zombie horde could not be reached for comment.

Local man desecrates graveyard screenshot



via destructoid https://www.destructoid.com/local-man-desecrates-graveyard-496802.phtml

News:: Man saves tortoise from certain death, you'll never believe what happens next

How do respond when local shirtless hooligans breath fire directly over the local wildlife? Many of us probably just walk away, hoping that local law enforcement will handle the problem appropriately, but not this brave young man. Without an ounce of selfishness in his heart, he approached the situation with respect, first asking the criminal to stop. When that didn't work, he had no choice but to escalate into violence. 

Still, as the old saying "no good dead goes unpunished" and this story is no exception. If you want to see how our local vigilante hero was "rewarded" for his selfless act watch the video below, and be sure tp share this story with your friends. You just may save a life.

Man saves tortoise from certain death, you'll never believe what happens next screenshot

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via destructoid https://www.destructoid.com/man-saves-tortoise-from-certain-death-you-ll-never-believe-what-happens-next-496859.phtml

News:: Monster Pillar v. Sheep Swarm violence on the rise

Increasing reports of violent altercations between swarms of pink bouncing sheep and miscellaneous monsters stacked on one anothers' heads have area residents fearful.Local authorities have urged calm on the matter and encouraged residents to avoid traveling through decrepit ruins in broad daylight while police summon additional officers from surrounding counties.

Attempts by this station to contact members of the sheep swarms or monster stacks were not responded to at press time.

Monster Pillar v. Sheep Swarm violence on the rise screenshot



via destructoid https://www.destructoid.com/monster-pillar-v-sheep-swarm-violence-on-the-rise-496800.phtml

News:: Police are investigating reports of a man's relentless pursuit of a sheep

Earlier this morning, local police began receiving reports of a man chasing animals into the jungle. Witnesses couldn't identify the suspect, but they did point out he was wearing barely anything clothing and carrying a large sword. The extent of his rage is unknown, but he was seen assaulting a few men before turning his attention to the sheep.

As one witness puts it, "the man was holding his sword in what seemed to be a battle position. He did not say anything, though he struck a weird pose before starting his trek." At this moment, the suspect is considered armed and dangerous and is still at large.

Any information regarding the suspect or his motives is greatly appreciated, mentioned the police chief.

Police are investigating reports of a man's relentless pursuit of a sheep screenshot



via destructoid https://www.destructoid.com/police-are-investigating-reports-of-a-man-s-relentless-pursuit-of-a-sheep-496769.phtml

News:: For all we know, this Rocket League match might still be going

The third week of Season 5 RLCS play had some very big matchups in North America, and then it also had this series between Cloud9 and Out of Style. Cloud9 is the defending regional champion and it's sitting undefeated in league play thus far. Out of Style is at the bottom of the standings, and hasn't looked like much of a threat to top teams since it was promoted from the RLRS after last season.

And it turned out as lopsided as you might expect. Cloud9 easily swept the best-of-5 series, outscoring Out of Style 12-3 along the way. But the sickest highlight came after the clock hit zero seconds. Cloud9's Squishy dribbled the ball on top of his car for nearly 40 seconds before passing off to Out of Style's Lachinio. (A game of Rocket League doesn't end until the ball hits the ground with no time remaining.) It was impressive as hell.

It went on for so long that the production team eventually got tired of it and threw the video feed to the commentary booth. They might still be dribbling around! This is Schrodinger's Rocket League Match. As long as we don't know, the game is simultaneously both over and still going.

For all we know, this Rocket League match might still be going screenshot



via destructoid https://www.destructoid.com/for-all-we-know-this-rocket-league-match-might-still-be-going-496823.phtml