I guess I’ve only got myself to blame.
See, because I am an exceptionally cool and popular person (and also because I don’t have any TV that isn’t streaming), I didn’t catch the premiere of Marvel’s The Inhumans on ABC Friday night. That said, I am a citizen of the Internet, so I’ve been privy to all of the prerelease coverage and saw a few of the hot takes flying around after the premiere over the weekend. So when I sat down in front of Hulu on Sunday afternoon and navigated my way to Inhumans, I had a pretty good idea what I was in for. I should have known better, but see, pain and agony are the only things I can feel anymore in the little hellscape of a world we're building, and damnit, I just needed to feel something.
But I’ve also been suffering over this since Sunday night and if I don’t get my thoughts out they'll eat me from within so now you have to sit here and read some of my impressions of the thing (I mean, if you want).
We open in media res. A young woman is being chased through the jungle by some commandos. As she runs, we cut to several slow-mo shots of, well, anything - rain falling, boots stomping through puddles, gun muzzles flashing as they fire, because this is very dramatic and we need to communicate this to you, viewer. As she flees, the woman is intercepted by Inhuman merman Triton, who steps out of the jungle and tells her he's from the moon and he can save her with all the urgency of a dude ordering at Starbucks.
It only gets worse from there.
If you’ve somehow missed the boat, here’s the gist: Inhumans follows the royal family of Attilan, which is a secret kingdom on “Earth’s moon” (as the show calls it constantly), made up of a race of super-powered beings called Inhumans. If you’ve seen Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. odds are you know their deal - exposure to a substance called terrigenesis triggers a transformation in certain people, usually resulting in some sort of superpower. These people are decedents of a bunch of people experimented by on aliens, and a few centuries ago some of them up and fled to the moon to create a secret monarchy (somehow, for some reason). The royal family is made up of Black Bolt, the king, whose power is his immensely destructive voice (which renders him effectively mute); his wife, Queen Medusa, whose hair can be used as prehensile tendrils; Gorgon, who has powerful hooves that can create localized earthquakes; Karnak, who can see and exploit the flaw in anything; Crystal, a princess with elemental powers; and Lockjaw, a giant dog who can teleport anywhere. There’s also Maximus, who doesn’t have inhuman powers but is a conniving schemer who wants the throne (and Medusa) for himself. The series follows Maximus’ coup of Attilan, and the royal family’s journey to reunite after being stranded on Earth and, presumably, take back power.
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